In light of my 30th birthday, I took a few moments to reflect on my life and think about on how much I’ve grown since my teens. After some kiddie-pool shallow pondering (because my head hurts when I have to think hard) , I came to the conclusion that there are certain things about getting older that are awesome, and other things that just plain SUCK. Then there are the things that used to be awesome, but slowly start to SUCK more and more as you get older. Here are 10 things that fall into that last category.

Being Single

Remember in college when you vowed never to marry and pledged the rest of your life to random hookups and one-night stands? Well those days quickly fade after college and by the time you hit 30 it’s quite the opposite. Being single is not as cool as it used to be. While all your friends are all coupled up, starting families, and filing joint tax returns, you still hit the Saturday night shithole pub looking for low self-esteem broads that you pray are free of STDs. At some point, that game gets old.

Video Games

Remember when video games were life? I worshiped Street Fighter 2, FIFA Soccer, NBA Live, Mario Kart, James Bond, you name it. Now I don’t have the time or the interest to keep up with the latest editions.

Popular Music

Remember when every song on the radio was good? Yeah…. it was probably when you were 14-17 years old. After that, radio slowly starts to SUCK. By the time you hit 30, “talk radio”, “soft”, or “old-school” stations are much more appealing. Me personally, if I hear one more piece of shit autotuned song, I might murder someone.

Binge Drinking

Binge drinking was the coolest shit ever…that is until you became old enough to do it legally. Once you actually turn 21, drinking slowly begins to lose its coolness and appeal. If you’re 30 and still doing keg stands and screaming “WOOOOO!!!!” at parties, then get your best friend to slap the shit out of you. Once you hit thirty, binge drinking is no longer a social activity, it’s a disease.

Driving

Do you recall the pure sense of joy you experienced when you first got your license? How you used to beg your parents to let you drive them to the store, to work, or wherever? Your eagerness to get behind the wheel was laughable to say the least. Fast forward to 30 and driving plain SUCKS. I hate driving, couple that with the fact that my beautiful and outstanding wife doesn’t know how to drive, so I do double the driving. Add that to the fact that I live in Brooklyn, where something as simple as going to the post office can make you want to blow your head off. F**kin Traffic…

Clubbing

Similar to drinking, clubbing gets super f**kin retarded as you approach the BIG 30. I was lucky enough to have met my wife at a club. However, I will state that being at the club is completely counterproductive to anything that’s…….productive in life. Don’t do it. Don’t be that old man at the club.

Inflation

Think back to how your parents and grandparents used to talk all that mess about how candy used to cost a nickel and milk used to cost a quarter and blah blah blah. You rolled your eyes and thought to yourself “who gives a shit?”. Fast forward to 30, and YOU DO GIVE A SHIT. Inflation is one bad moofoo. I remember getting a gallon of gas for less than a dollar. I remember paying 4 bucks for a super-sized value meal from McDonalds.  I remember when movie tickets were 5 bucks. The crazy thing is that while inflation has risen salaries, have remained the same. Shitty.

Fast Food

Speaking of McDonalds, remember when you shunned your parent’s real home-cooked food in favor of greasy, processed, fat-filled goodness? Of course you do. As the years go by, you slowly realize just how much fast food sucks ass. Over the years the quality has lessened, the portions have shrunk, and the price has shot up to the point where in some cases, it’s just more economically viable to get a plate from a real restaurant than go to Mickey Ds.

Bling

Big earrings, heavy chains, and over-sized watches were awesome in your teens and early twenties. I remember not having enough money for gold chain so I bought a silver one and tried to pass it off as “white gold”.  Wow…. I loved that chain to. But as you get older, you begin to look extremely foolish wearing over-sized bling. Nowadays I view grown ass people with over-sized chains and spinning watches as having some sort of mental or physical deficiency that they are overcompensating for.

Working out

In college, I used to hit the gym every single day with the ferocity of a cheetah hunting down a baby deer. I had a nice firm six-pack and loved to go places without a shirt on for no apparent reason. I even shaved my chest hairs for that smooth look. Needless to say, those days are over. While I was fortunate enough not to get fat after I stopped playing sports and working out, my body is a far cry from the fine specimen I was at 21. I practically have an afro on my chest, shaving is no longer worth my time.

The real reason working out sucks when you get older is because you go from working out for looks, to working out to f**ing survive. As you get older, things like high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, and a million other FAT-related diseases come into play. So now instead of hitting the gym a few times a week to tune your six-pack or bulge your biceps, your now trying to thin out your cholesterol so you don’t have a fat-attack and drop dead on the spot.

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Tagged with: funny, getting old, ignorant, silly