Let’s face it gentlemen, we are all conditioned for COOL. We spend a large portion of our lives in pursuit of precious cool-points, which serve as the ultimate indicator of our superiority in life to other, uncool douche-bags. Being cool gives us confidence and gives others confidence in us. In truth, nothing hurts our manhood more than being thought of as “a f**king lame.” To put it plain and simple, many men would rather be hung by their balls than be called the “L” word (as if there is a difference). While we all have different methods we use to acquire cool-points, SmackedSilly will point out five things that many grown ass men do on a daily basis that nullifies any cool gained throughout the rest of the day.

1. Wearing Crocs anywhere outside of your home

Not a good look. Period. While they may be uber-comfortable and easy to slip on in a pinch, any coolness you achieved in moments prior will be tossed right out of the window with haste. Wearing brightly colored Crocs (a.k.a  Air Virgins) can be absolutely devastating to your cool and will require weeks, if not months, of cool-recovery. Leave the clogs to the kids, or better yet leave them at the goddamn store and never take them home in the first place. Nobody wants to see those ugly ass, over-sized rubber leggo blocks on your ashy feet.

2. Using your cell phone as Public Broadcasting Equipment

This dickhead activity can mean one of two things:

1. Blasting music out of the speakerphone of your cellphone for all to hear.

Like the Crocs, kids get a pass on this one (because their brain’s haven’t fully developed and stuff like that). However, this is inexcusable for a grown ass man. There were these crazy things that were invented decades ago called HEADPHONES and somebody forgot to tell these dumb-asses that they exist. The real dangerous thing about those who partake in the mobile evolution of ghetto-blasting is that they honestly believe that it IS cool. They think other grown ass men really appreciate hearing “Kiss me through the phone” and “I go Hard in the muthaf**king paint nigga!” at 8am during our already-depressing subway rides to work. Even worse, many feel the need to actually rap the words (curses and all) loudly over the hissy, distorted, all-treble backdrop that their shitty prepaid phone provides.

2. Talking on “speakerphone” in public.

Perhaps even worse are the people who insist on having very private conversations in public. Instead of calmly holding the phone to their ear and having a civilized conversation, they hold the phone in the air and proceed to shout into the phone, spewing their business out in the street. If you ever pay attention to these conversations, they typically involve one of five things:

• Someone threatening to whoop someones else’s ass
• Buying or Selling of Weed (ironically)
• Someone cussing out their children
• Someone complaining about their supervisor
• Someone talking shit about their girlfriend/boyfriend

* No public phone conversation ever ended well

Unfortunately, cases of uncoolness this severe are nearly impossible to remedy. In similar fashion to drug-rehab, the first step to cool-rehab is admitting you have a problem. Only then can the healing begin. God help us all.

3. Wearing Bluetooth Earpieces

It may or may not have been cool to wear one of these the FIRST WEEK they came out. From week 2 onward to the present, it is clear that Bluetooth Earpieces they are officially “retarded beyond any measure of doubt.” While technology has played a huge role in making our everyday lives more simple and enjoyable (arguably), technology has also increased douche-baggery by the tenfold (definitely). Some of these earpiece-wearing massengills will tell you that wearing an earpiece gives them additional swagger and makes them appear intelligent. Others will claim that they are so busy that they have to have one in their ear at all times. What they should be telling you is which one of their testicles went missing when they put on that retarded-looking piece of robo-dung over their ear.

Six Reasons you DON’T Need a Bluetooth Earpiece

• You got along just fine before they were invented.
  

  porn-chat operator… w/ bluetooth

• Women will think you’re a big f**king nerd that masturbates to role-playing games, android phones, and rare anime.
• It’s hands-free. When you actually take a phone call you look like a crazy person talking to yourself on the street.
• You can re-purpose the money you would have wasted on a Bluetooth Earpiece and buy extra hours in a porn chat-room instead (which you are obviously into, since you were considering buying a Bluetooth Earpiece in the first place).
• No one is THAT busy.
• 2007 wasn’t that great of year. Move on.

4. Carrying Your Girlfriend’s / Wife’s Purse

Every man on this earth has been in this predicament at one time or another. Picture this; you are out having a semi-wonderful time with your significant other, when out of nowhere she decides that she has to go pee-pee. She looks over to you with innocent eyes and says “Honey, hold my purse while I go to the bathroom”. UH-OH….Game over dude. You just went from Morpheus to Montana Fishburne in about a half a second. Or worse, your at the mall, when your wife suddenly decides that her purse is too heavy (no shit.. who needs a laptop and a hair dryer to go Macys?) to lug around, and decides to make you the designated purse-holder for the day. Major drop in cool. Your manhood just got taken quicker than if you dropped you the soap on your first day at Rikers Island. Unfortunately, this one is unavoidable (ya know….. with chivalry and stuff), you might have to just grin and bear it (and hope none of your friends are watching). If you are forced to purse-hold, don’t hold it by the straps. Cuff your hands under the bottom of the bag it and hold it almost like you would hold a football or a subway sandwich. This method will make you appear more manly and cool than the guy in the picture.

5. Wearing pretty much anything a teenager would.

 

I wouldn’t be saying it if it weren’t true. Dragons, glittered t-shirts, mohawks, skin-tight jeans, painted skulls, white framed sunglasses and other juvenile nonsense needs to stop (DIE ED HARDY). While it may or may not be cool when your in your teens, it’s definitely out of the question as a grown ass man. The best part of being grown is that you don’t have to follow trends or keep up with the latest bullshit to get girls (or guys by the looks of things). There comes a point that every grown man’s life when he just looks in the mirror and says to himself “WHATTHEFUCKAMIDOING?” That happened to me about two years ago at age 27. I realized that I had to throw out a shitload of clothes and switch up my wardrobe before I became “that guy.” Around the same time, I started realizing how incredibly retarded other people look wearing all that foolishness. While trend-followers may claim that they are expressing their creativity and individuality, nothing can be further from the truth. All you are expressing is how much of an unoriginal bag-o-douche you are.

---

Did you enjoy this post? You probably thought it sucked. But if you did like it, make sure to subscribe to our email list in order to receive weekly blog updates, and first dibs on exclusive content from Smacked Silly. We don’t spam, because spam tastes like shit. If you prefer to get all technical on dat ass, then to subscribe to the rss feed and stay updated that way.

Tagged with: fashion, funny, ignorant, self-help