According to CNN (So it MUST be true….), job satisfaction among US employees hit a 22 year low in 2010. The fact is, people are just not happy with what they do for a living. Millions of people spend each workday day-dreaming about how much sweeter their lives would be if they had a different job. Well, as the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for. Not everything is all it’s cracked up to be. Here are ten great sounding jobs that actually blow chunks in the real world.

7. Video Game Tester

The Dream:

You spend all day playing the latest video games for months, even years before they come out. You can test out the game-play, and have input on how the final game is designed. All your friends envy your awesomeness.

The Reality:

In addition to being A low paying job, video game testing is probably the most boring job in the history of jobs. You don’t get advanced copies of games because companies don’t want you to leak them out. Testers typically are given one small-ass section of the game. Their job is to play that miniscule section of the game over and over and over again in as many different ways as possible for months at a time, not because the video game company actually gives a f**k what you think about the game-play and character development, but mostly because they are looking for bugs and glitches in the game. Video testers also have to keep an accurate log of “everything” they do, so discipline is required. Also keep in mind not every game is as cool as FIFA Soccer, Madden Football, Halo, or Call of Duty. Think about the other bazillion games that suck monkey ass. Chances are you will be testing those.

The verdict: If you need the cash go for it. If you value your sanity, then pass. Testing video games is kind of like putting your favorite porn flick on repeat for three months straight. It might be cool the first day, but after that, all the excitement quickly fades away.

6. Club Promoter

The Dream:

You are the man. Everyone wants to party with you, and come to your awesome events. You sit up in VIP with the beautiful people, sippin on the good stuff, snorting and smoking all the recreational drugs you can handle. You make boatloads of cash by just being cool, and you get to party every night. Saaweet.

The Reality:

You know those guys on the corner that try to hand you flyers on street? Yup, that’s YOU. Being a club promoter is easy job, for the first few nights. But what happens after you exhaust all of your friends? Guess what, you gotta find more people. From where? Any f**king where. Your friends, no mater how loyal, will not come to party at the same place 3 or 4 nights a week. They have something called work and a life. You don’t look so cool when your begging people on the street to come to your “bitchin” party anymore. Partying like an animal is a lot less cool when you HAVE TO.

The verdict: Give it a try if you’re a popular college student. You can make some extra cash fairly easy. Remember to be organized and grow your contact list with each event. If you’re a grown ass man, and you are not famous, you will have a tough time finding enough people to make any serious money. Pass.

5. Drug Dealer

The Dream:

You make ridiculous money, and live the life of your favorite rapper or movie kingpin. Women will be drawn to your mystique and power. You carry around fat stacks of cash at all times, and snort lines off of A-grade model ass. You have a team of loyal “soldiers” that will whoop anyone’s ass for you at the drop of a dime.

The Reality:

Besides that fact that most drug dealers do not actually make a lot of money, drug dealing is a lose lose situation anyway you slice it. A drug dealer must be secretive, yet the more customers a dealer has, the more money they make. Paradoxical indeed. A drug dealer is constantly fighting three enemies: the police, rival dealers, and stick-up kids / robbers. They must also keep a watchful eye of customers who can turn snitch if they get arrested. There is no sustainable route.  Either you live a secretive and lonely life with few friends, or you can live flamboyantly and excessive, and make yourself a walking target in the process.

The verdict: don’t make a career out of it, because it will be a short one.

4. Freelance writer

The Dream:

You get to pick and choose your projects, and use all of your wondrous creativity to impress your clients. The money grows with each project. You can work from the comfort of your home while you honing your superior writing skills. Your imagination is exercised everyday. You are the next Michael Crichton. They just don’t know it yet.

The Reality:

Most people hire freelance writers because they don’t have the time energy or the will to write the shit themselves. While some freelancers can make money ghostwriting and being creative, most writing jobs are for mundane, repetitive tasks equivalent to Bart Simpson writing on the chalk board in the Simpsons intro. The majority of the time you will be writing about things that you have absolutely no interest in whatsoever.  You will be under tight guidelines, strict deadlines, and a laughable budget. Writing is one of those odd careers where it’s extremely difficult to get into, yet the pay sucks balls.

The verdict: I always tell anyone to follow their passions, so if you feel it’s for you, then do it. While your freelancing, make sure you take steps to ensure that YOUR goals are being met as well as your clients. Do not lose sight of your original ambitions and reasons for writing.

3. Pimp

The Dream:

You have dozens of hoes at your disposal. You can sip cognac all damn day while your hoes work the streets and phatten your wallets. You can say derogatory lines ” biatch betta have money” and your girls will not take offense. You can select your best biatches to come live with you in your mansion – Hugh Hef style.

The Reality:

 

No self-respecting woman would ever need a pimp. Chances are if she is with you, something is seriously wrong with her and you should sleep with one eye open (literally). I confess – I can barely handle one woman, so managing a stable of cracked out, mentally challenged chicken-heads would drive me to commit suicide.

The verdict: Pass the pimp cup to the next man.

2. Conscious / Self-Aware Rapper :

The Dream :

You “keep it real” and rhyme about “real shit”. You have a cult-like base of “real fans”.  You take extreme care and pride with your “real” work. You never “sell out” by making anything that’s not 100% “real”. You would never compromise your integrity  and sign with a “fake ass” record company, because your way too “real” for that.  You make good money by throwing on “real concerts”, and you promote your quirky peers who make “real music” too. You shun lovers of “mainstream” rap and scream “f**k Lil Weezy every chance you get. You don’t make Jay-z money (because you apparently don’t want to make Jay-Z money) , but you make enough to live comfortably and donate to several obscure charities that you are deeply passionate about.

The reality:

Your “really” broke. Being a conscious rapper is a serious uphill battle. The simple fact is that people listen to music to be entertained, and in the case of rap, people listen to be lied to. Any reasonable person knows that. 99.9% of rappers have never done half the stuff they talk about, yet the fans still listen anyway. Why? Because modern rap is built on fantasy. No one wants to hear about what “really” happens in the streets, because that’s depressing and boring. Who wants to hear someone rapping about “25% unemployment in the hood” when you could listen to someone rapping about how they shot 25 people and blew 25 grand at the strip in 25 words or less? People don’t want the “news” anymore, they want “the movies”. That’s why conscious rap=empty pockets.

The verdict: Do it. The world needs more artists and less “acts.” Be smart about it though, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

1. Government Free-loader:

The Dream:

You never have to work a day in your life. You get food stamps, medicaid, medicare, section 8, and every other program under the sun. You sit on your bum all day, play Mario Kart Wii, and enjoy the fruits of everyone else’s labor. A fine life indeed.

The Reality:

Generally speaking, people are on government programs because they truly need them. Contrary to the beliefs of some naive individuals, the government does not allow anyone to live like a king while sitting on their asses. While it may be true that the occasional free-loader is decked out in brand name clothing while driving right past your walking ass, it’s probably because they are doing something highly illegal to get the extra money, because you can’t be “baallliin” on a welfare budget. Not happening.

The verdict: If you work hard, educate yourself, network, and read this blog you will never need to go that route

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Tagged with: career, expectations, funny, humor, reality, sarcasm