Everyone who has this depressing, doomsday-is-impending outlook on life needs to be smacked silly. Here’s what I suggest:

1. Look right into the person eyes with the gaze of a golden eagle hunting its prey
2. Call the person by his or her full name (first, middle, and last if known)
3. Then slap-em-silly! While simultaneously yelling “Be Happy you negative Motherf**er!”

Misery is a state of mind, not a condition. Slap the negativity right out of that motherf**er!

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*Disclaimer- this series is not intended to promote or endorse violence. Please do not go out and actually slap someone in the face. This work is intended to be a lighthearted  source of education, humor and inspiration.*

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• Low taxes (especially for business)
• Personal responsibility
• Small government
• Personal liberty
• Capitalism

In an ideal world, these principles would push me towards a republican vote. However there is one glaring thing wrong about the modern day republican party. They just don’t like black people. I can’t vote for a party that gives a f**k less about my people’s prosperity. Republicans have demonstrated throughout recent times that they have approximately zero interest in the progression of Black America. According to the republican rhetoric, black people are lazy, feed off the government, and hinder our nations economic progress. Now I’m not going to lie, some of that ish is true. We as black people definitely need to step our game up, educate ourselves and become economically independent. But that’s another argument for another day. The point I am making is that republicans seem to be more concerned with making us extinct than making us better. They choose to completely ignore us, rather than provide us with insight to how their party and ideas can help grow America. I am convinced that the republican message could resonate with black voters if anyone actually took the time to address us. The big thing in politics nowadays is getting the “Latino vote”, no focus is put on securing the “black” vote.

So in essence we are stuck between two evils. On one hand we have republicans telling us we are second class citizens, ignoring our concerns, and acting like we don’t exist -  On the other hand, democrats and big government are doing a terrific job of keeping us dependent on government programs, and teaching us to be “happy where we are” instead of educating and creating wealth, economic empowerment, and independence for ourselves. They are both evil. It’s just a question of which one is the lesser of the two.

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Nothing is Certain

Time have changed to the point where giving a f**k doesn’t get you much in this world. This day in age, success is defined by how bold, outlandish, and seemingly ridiculous one can be. “Nice guys”  are not only finishing last, their getting lapped multiple times in the game of life by brandish assholes who could care less about anyone else but themselves.

So What’s the Solution?

I am not by any means suggesting to anyone that they become a selfish greedy prick. Some successful people have a strong sense of compassion and good moral standards. What I am suggesting is to turn up your “I don’t give a f**k” a notch or two and make some BOLD, unforgiving moves with your life.

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Edit: False alarm. Looks like it was DNS issues. Still strange

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We are at our best when our minds are open, free, and relaxed – when we can take our time, be creative, and see our projects with fresh eyes. Not when time constraints force us to create out of desperation.

The problem is that people confuse urgency with emergency.

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…Huh?…Why would you do that?

The reasons for underpromising are quite simple.

1. By setting your clients expectations lower, you will “WOW” the f**k out of them when you deliver your god-like work.
2. Underpromising takes pressure off of you, and gives you added confidence to meet and exceed your goal.
3. You establish immediate credibility with your clients when you propose realistic, tangible goals that are achievable.
4. Underpromising gives you some “wiggle room” to work with in case unforeseen obstacles come up (which they always do).

There are countless benefits to underpromising. I would argue that underpromising actually helps you make more money and demand a higher price for your services. Why? Because people appreciate honesty, and they appreciate measurable results even more. Chances are that if you are invited to pitch a client, then what they are doing is not working. Chances are that they have attempted to rectify the problem internally but did not have the knowledge, time, or expertise to do it themselves. Chances are they know the problem will not be solved without serious effort and resources put into it. Chances are they know the solution is not an easy one, or else they would have taken care of themselves.

Here is where you come in - Give them a bottom line. Offer a guaranteed result. If you are confident in your approach, you will get clients and make money.

When underpromising doesn’t work.

• When you don’t deliver. Sounds obvious, but if fail to deliver then you will likely never get that piece of business again. Underpromising only works when you actually can meet your goal.

• When you gave vague information in your proposal. Underpromisng works best when you give specific numbers and clearly define what your expertise will bring to the table. If you something vague like “I can make your internet site better and make you more money” sounds lame compared to “I can increase your online sales by 10 percent, and implement a social media campaign that will introduce your company’s services to a new demographic”. Which one sounds better?

• When you are timid with your proposal. Since you are promising a result you are clearly comfortable in achieving, confidence shouldn’t be a problem. Don’t wimp out. Get your ass out there and start overdelivering.

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Being Single

Well.. at least I won't be not entirely alone tonight. I still have Ms. Righty and Lefty.

Remember in college when you vowed never to marry and pledged the rest of your life to random hookups and one-night stands? Well those days quickly fade after college and by the time you hit 30 it’s quite the opposite. Being single is not as cool as it used to be. While all your friends are all coupled up, starting families, and filing joint tax returns, you still hit the Saturday night shithole pub looking for low self-esteem broads that you pray are free of STDs. At some point, that game gets old.

Video Games

Remember when video games were life? I worshiped Street Fighter 2, FIFA Soccer, NBA Live, Mario Kart, James Bond, you name it. Now I don’t have the time or the interest to keep up with the latest editions.

Popular Music

Remember when every song on the radio was good? Yeah…. it was probably when you were 14-17 years old. After that, radio slowly starts to SUCK. By the time you hit 30, “talk radio”, “soft”, or “old-school” stations are much more appealing. Me personally, if I hear one more piece of shit autotuned song, I might murder someone.

Binge Drinking

Binge drinking was the coolest shit ever…that is until you became old enough to do it legally. Once you actually turn 21, drinking slowly begins to lose its coolness and appeal. If you’re 30 and still doing keg stands and screaming “WOOOOO!!!!” at parties, then get your best friend to slap the shit out of you. Once you hit thirty, binge drinking is no longer a social activity, it’s a disease.

Driving

"Cut me off again and see what happens muthaph**ker"

Do you recall the pure sense of joy you experienced when you first got your license? How you used to beg your parents to let you drive them to the store, to work, or wherever? Your eagerness to get behind the wheel was laughable to say the least. Fast forward to 30 and driving plain SUCKS. I hate driving, couple that with the fact that my beautiful and outstanding wife doesn’t know how to drive, so I do double the driving. Add that to the fact that I live in Brooklyn, where something as simple as going to the post office can make you want to blow your head off. F**kin Traffic…

Clubbing

Similar to drinking, clubbing gets super f**kin retarded as you approach the BIG 30. I was lucky enough to have met my wife at a club. However, I will state that being at the club is completely counterproductive to anything that’s…….productive in life. Don’t do it. Don’t be that old man at the club.

Inflation

Think back to how your parents and grandparents used to talk all that mess about how candy used to cost a nickel and milk used to cost a quarter and blah blah blah. You rolled your eyes and thought to yourself “who gives a shit?”. Fast forward to 30, and YOU DO GIVE A SHIT. Inflation is one bad moofoo. I remember getting a gallon of gas for less than a dollar. I remember paying 4 bucks for a super-sized value meal from McDonalds.  I remember when movie tickets were 5 bucks. The crazy thing is that while inflation has risen salaries, have remained the same. Shitty.

Fast Food

Speaking of McDonalds, remember when you shunned your parent’s real home-cooked food in favor of greasy, processed, fat-filled goodness? Of course you do. As the years go by, you slowly realize just how much fast food sucks ass. Over the years the quality has lessened, the portions have shrunk, and the price has shot up to the point where in some cases, it’s just more economically viable to get a plate from a real restaurant than go to Mickey Ds.

Bling

It was cool when Slick Rick was doing it, but now every prick is doing it.

Big earrings, heavy chains, and over-sized watches were awesome in your teens and early twenties. I remember not having enough money for gold chain so I bought a silver one and tried to pass it off as “white gold”.  Wow…. I loved that chain to. But as you get older, you begin to look extremely foolish wearing over-sized bling. Nowadays I view grown ass people with over-sized chains and spinning watches as having some sort of mental or physical deficiency that they are overcompensating for.

Working out

In college, I used to hit the gym every single day with the ferocity of a cheetah hunting down a baby deer. I had a nice firm six-pack and loved to go places without a shirt on for no apparent reason. I even shaved my chest hairs for that smooth look. Needless to say, those days are over. While I was fortunate enough not to get fat after I stopped playing sports and working out, my body is a far cry from the fine specimen I was at 21. I practically have an afro on my chest, shaving is no longer worth my time.

The real reason working out sucks when you get older is because you go from working out for looks, to working out to f**ing survive. As you get older, things like high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, and a million other FAT-related diseases come into play. So now instead of hitting the gym a few times a week to tune your six-pack or bulge your biceps, your now trying to thin out your cholesterol so you don’t have a fat-attack and drop dead on the spot.

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My parents raised me fine without wipe warmers and vibrating crib mattresses, or tummy time gyms. I want the best for child and family, but Babies R Us is filled to the tee with high-priced baby crap that you and your simply child don’t need.

Take my advice, so your wallet doesn’t take a hit. When shopping there, don’t get all emotionally suckered into spending your paycheck only to turn around justify your ludicrous behavior on the fact that “it’s for the kids”.  Keep in mind that the best thing you can provide your children is love, care, guidance, and security. Don’t pay $300 for some electronic rocker that your baby will sit in once or twice, stick the basics.

Bottom-line, there are 3 things that people typically go overboard and pay way too much for; weddings, funerals, and babies. Fair Warning.

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The path to success is not a crowded one, it’s a lonely road. If you are doing the same thing as everyone else, you’re not going to be successful. It’s as simple as that.

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7. Video Game Tester

The Dream:

You spend all day playing the latest video games for months, even years before they come out. You can test out the game-play, and have input on how the final game is designed. All your friends envy your awesomeness.

The Reality:

In addition to being A low paying job, video game testing is probably the most boring job in the history of jobs. You don’t get advanced copies of games because companies don’t want you to leak them out. Testers typically are given one small-ass section of the game. Their job is to play that miniscule section of the game over and over and over again in as many different ways as possible for months at a time, not because the video game company actually gives a f**k what you think about the game-play and character development, but mostly because they are looking for bugs and glitches in the game. Video testers also have to keep an accurate log of “everything” they do, so discipline is required. Also keep in mind not every game is as cool as FIFA Soccer, Madden Football, Halo, or Call of Duty. Think about the other bazillion games that suck monkey ass. Chances are you will be testing those.

The verdict: If you need the cash go for it. If you value your sanity, then pass. Testing video games is kind of like putting your favorite porn flick on repeat for three months straight. It might be cool the first day, but after that, all the excitement quickly fades away.

6. Club Promoter

The Dream:

You are the man. Everyone wants to party with you, and come to your awesome events. You sit up in VIP with the beautiful people, sippin on the good stuff, snorting and smoking all the recreational drugs you can handle. You make boatloads of cash by just being cool, and you get to party every night. Saaweet.

The Reality:

You know those guys on the corner that try to hand you flyers on street? Yup, that’s YOU. Being a club promoter is easy job, for the first few nights. But what happens after you exhaust all of your friends? Guess what, you gotta find more people. From where? Any f**king where. Your friends, no mater how loyal, will not come to party at the same place 3 or 4 nights a week. They have something called work and a life. You don’t look so cool when your begging people on the street to come to your “bitchin” party anymore. Partying like an animal is a lot less cool when you HAVE TO.

The verdict: Give it a try if you’re a popular college student. You can make some extra cash fairly easy. Remember to be organized and grow your contact list with each event. If you’re a grown ass man, and you are not famous, you will have a tough time finding enough people to make any serious money. Pass.

5. Drug Dealer

The Dream:

You make ridiculous money, and live the life of your favorite rapper or movie kingpin. Women will be drawn to your mystique and power. You carry around fat stacks of cash at all times, and snort lines off of A-grade model ass. You have a team of loyal “soldiers” that will whoop anyone’s ass for you at the drop of a dime.

The Reality:

Besides that fact that most drug dealers do not actually make a lot of money, drug dealing is a lose lose situation anyway you slice it. A drug dealer must be secretive, yet the more customers a dealer has, the more money they make. Paradoxical indeed. A drug dealer is constantly fighting three enemies: the police, rival dealers, and stick-up kids / robbers. They must also keep a watchful eye of customers who can turn snitch if they get arrested. There is no sustainable route.  Either you live a secretive and lonely life with few friends, or you can live flamboyantly and excessive, and make yourself a walking target in the process.

The verdict: don’t make a career out of it, because it will be a short one.

4. Freelance writer

The Dream:

You get to pick and choose your projects, and use all of your wondrous creativity to impress your clients. The money grows with each project. You can work from the comfort of your home while you honing your superior writing skills. Your imagination is exercised everyday. You are the next Michael Crichton. They just don’t know it yet.

The Reality:

Most people hire freelance writers because they don’t have the time energy or the will to write the shit themselves. While some freelancers can make money ghostwriting and being creative, most writing jobs are for mundane, repetitive tasks equivalent to Bart Simpson writing on the chalk board in the Simpsons intro. The majority of the time you will be writing about things that you have absolutely no interest in whatsoever.  You will be under tight guidelines, strict deadlines, and a laughable budget. Writing is one of those odd careers where it’s extremely difficult to get into, yet the pay sucks balls.

The verdict: I always tell anyone to follow their passions, so if you feel it’s for you, then do it. While your freelancing, make sure you take steps to ensure that YOUR goals are being met as well as your clients. Do not lose sight of your original ambitions and reasons for writing.

3. Pimp

The Dream:

You have dozens of hoes at your disposal. You can sip cognac all damn day while your hoes work the streets and phatten your wallets. You can say derogatory lines ” biatch betta have money” and your girls will not take offense. You can select your best biatches to come live with you in your mansion – Hugh Hef style.

The Reality:

No self-respecting woman would ever need a pimp. Chances are if she is with you, something is seriously wrong with her and you should sleep with one eye open (literally). I confess – I can barely handle one woman, so managing a stable of cracked out, mentally challenged chicken-heads would drive me to commit suicide.

The verdict: Pass the pimp cup to the next man.

2. Conscious / Self-Aware Rapper :

The Dream :

You “keep it real” and rhyme about “real shit”. You have a cult-like base of “real fans”.  You take extreme care and pride with your “real” work. You never “sell out” by making anything that’s not 100% “real”. You would never compromise your integrity  and sign with a “fake ass” record company, because your way too “real” for that.  You make good money by throwing on “real concerts”, and you promote your quirky peers who make “real music” too. You shun lovers of “mainstream” rap and scream “f**k Lil Weezy every chance you get. You don’t make Jay-z money (because you apparently don’t want to make Jay-Z money) , but you make enough to live comfortably and donate to several obscure charities that you are deeply passionate about.

The reality:

Your “really” broke. Being a conscious rapper is a serious uphill battle. The simple fact is that people listen to music to be entertained, and in the case of rap, people listen to be lied to. Any reasonable person knows that. 99.9% of rappers have never done half the stuff they talk about, yet the fans still listen anyway. Why? Because modern rap is built on fantasy. No one wants to hear about what “really” happens in the streets, because that’s depressing and boring. Who wants to hear someone rapping about “25% unemployment in the hood” when you could listen to someone rapping about how they shot 25 people and blew 25 grand at the strip in 25 words or less? People don’t want the “news” anymore, they want “the movies”. That’s why conscious rap=empty pockets.

The verdict: Do it. The world needs more artists and less “acts.” Be smart about it though, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

1. Government Free-loader:

The Dream:

You never have to work a day in your life. You get food stamps, medicaid, medicare, section 8, and every other program under the sun. You sit on your bum all day, play Mario Kart Wii, and enjoy the fruits of everyone else’s labor. A fine life indeed.

The Reality:

Generally speaking, people are on government programs because they truly need them. Contrary to the beliefs of some naive individuals, the government does not allow anyone to live like a king while sitting on their asses. While it may be true that the occasional free-loader is decked out in brand name clothing while driving right past your walking ass, it’s probably because they are doing something highly illegal to get the extra money, because you can’t be “baallliin” on a welfare budget. Not happening.

The verdict: If you work hard, educate yourself, network, and read this blog you will never need to go that route

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Try this instead;

Work harder when everything is going great. You will be more energetic, creative, authoritative, and confident. Resist the urge to “coast” when things are going well, push yourself to the limit instead. Why? It’s easier to go from “good” to “f**kin awesome!” than it is to go from “I suck at life” to “good.”

And when something bad happens???

Do the exact opposite. Coast for a bit, take a break, and analyze your options. Many times we start reaching for “any” solution when things are not going well, and end up settling on the wrong one.

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1. Not all cable providers allow you to use ESPN3
2. The quality of the streams constantly “varies” from great to poor. If your watching something popular, chances are you’re going to be looking at a grainy stream.

What ESPN should do:

ESPN3 should offer a premium option that offers crystal clear HD streams for a monthly subscription fee, ala Netflix. I would gladly pay extra to have clear, fast streams and be able to watch my beloved soccer games whenever I wanted.

To take it a step further,

The concept of ESPN3 should evolve into like a “ESPN on Demand” type of service, similar to “HBO on Demand, whereby you can pick games and watch them on your television at any time. I would seriously pay good money for that type of experience, in fact I might drop all my other cable services and watch sports all the f**king time.

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